Have a little Faith?

As I progress thought this Prosperity focus of 2026 I am realizing I have a major issue;

I do not have trust in god, I have a lack of faith.

Because there were times when I wished for something to happen and it didn’t go the way I wanted it to.  When we had just sold Summerfield and renting on West Circular I have this very vivid memory of wishing for a the house we wanted to buy that was brand new inside. Located over by Dorothy Nolan school and by George’s mom’s house.  I wanted that house so bad, I prayed for it, I tried my hardest to manifest it

In the end, we didn’t get it. And It was crushing.

Which, everything is a blessing, we likely would have been in deeper financial ruin than we are now (or not - we’d still be in Saratoga.) And obviously I was meant to come her, I was destined to be in Vermont for a reason.

But at the time it vastly contradicted what I wanted and hoped and wished for. A ‘New’ House.

So this, along with other moments from my past, puts a crack in my ability to trust.  I was hurt by it, I was devastated when we weren’t able to get that house.  It made me feel like I did something wrong, like I didn’t deserve it.  Like I didn’t work hard enough for it.  Didn’t concentrate enough, didn’t manifest enough.  Not enough. Oh that familiar story.  

And now, I’m trying to put up these projections for my future in my mind, to conjur up hope and love for this higher version of myself…

But… there is this quiet little doubt. 

There is the whisper in the back of my heart that I won’t get it. Because it’s happened before. 

And If you know anything about manifesting you know that you CAN NOT have any doubt in your mind.  You have to know like you know, YOU KNOW.

So I’m trying the positive affirmation route, to reprogram my subconscious. I’m reciting: 

“I am deserving of abundant blessings.  

Blessings are given to me joyously and abundantly.

I always create for my self.

I am always safe in the universe. 

Everything is supplied for me.

My income is constantly increasing.

I prosper wherever I turn.

Business is a place where we bless and prosper each other.

I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the universe, thank you!

I am a magnet for money.

Prosperity of every kind is drawn to me. 

I think big and then allow my self to accept even more good.

I am worthy and deserving of prosperity.

I am worth loving. 

I am worth prospering.

Divine blessings flow to me easily and often, I needn’t struggle.

I allow myself to accept the abundance in unexpected ways.”

and my new favorite ”Large, rich, opulent, lavish financial suprises now come to me and I am grateful!”  

This lack of trust is my own doing or course, because, to me, the fear that it won’t happen unless I do it is too great.  I’ve learned this belief.  If I want it done, I have to do it myself otherwise it won’t get done.  If I trust in someone/something else then it’s not in my control and I need to have that control. 

I have not felt or experienced what it is like to have someone or something truly hold me (aside from the grace of God).

This issue is constantly mirrored/shown to me in my relationship.  Steve calls me a control freak, I disagree of course. I know I have high expectations in the ways something should be done, especially when I am paying money to a restaurant, but I’ve told him over and over again, he does not need my permission to take out the garbage. I shouldn’t have to ask/tell him to clean off the bathroom sink or toilet. He is functioning Human, a capable member of a household and as such shares the responsibility of maintaining that house.  Why do I have to tell him to do meneial tasks. How is it my sole responsibility? > because that was the precedent established early in our relationship and he rather not change.

Then I think about how half my battle is communicating my wants/needs.  My next thought is how after so many times I communicated my needs I was still left with nothing.  A baby crying out for love and attention and mom never coming to wrap up the baby in her arms and hold her close to her bosom.   As a child, this scenario programs you, “Stop communicating your needs… your needs are not worthy of communicating. No one is coming to help you.”

Even in my marriage, I ask my husband to do something and I get nothing…. Over time you learn to stop asking and start doing for yourself.  It’s survival. 

So God, dearest Divine, please help me with this false narrative. 

Please, I surrender this trust and control issue to you so you may lift it to your high divine order. God you are my source for all. 

I allow the Divine to work on my behalf. I trust that these tasks will be sufficiently done and I trust that divine timing will work out in my favor. 

I am not in control, God is. The divine controls.

The divine will of God.

I allow and relinquish my need for control over the outcomes.

I surrender to the highest order.  

I trust I will be blessed with prosperity.

I have faith. 

The art of receiving is to relinquishing control by surrendering.  

Surrender then have faith

So then, How do I grow in my faith?

I think I might need trauma therapy.